her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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