Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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