He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize