just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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