Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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