Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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