birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
