Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
