Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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