Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
