Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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