So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
