Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
