Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
