Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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