Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
