im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
