my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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