I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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