there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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