I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
