I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
