so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
