I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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