There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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