I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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