i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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