I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
