I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
