Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
