just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i out mim tonsoeep
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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