Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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