Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
