u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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