Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
