i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
