I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
