oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
