I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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