I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
