i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
