Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
