WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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