Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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