i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize