Can i not drive my cunt home
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
