Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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