Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
