I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize