This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
