CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
