I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
