My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
