my mouth tastes like poor choices
Soap is not a condiment
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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