Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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