Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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