I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
