remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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