What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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