my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
