...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
