I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
