I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every concussion has its silver lining
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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