pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ambylanc
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This is the high leading the old right now
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
