There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
