I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
two words: eviction party
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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