looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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