how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
