I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's rum buckets o'clock
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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