marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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