Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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